1. The hustler: This guy can move mountains to get a dime. He does not believe in Jubilee creating opportunities, he creates them. He can easily sell tropical sweets in a matatu or grab a kasuku with water on a rainy day to clean people’s shoes. This guy may not fit your ‘ideal’ description of a man- Rich, dark and handsome- and you may not hesitate to undermine his worth as a man the moment he asks for your number. He has seen poverty but is desperate to get out through hard work. He is also skilled in bedminton activities.
Disclaimer: Deodarant is a native word to him and an ideal date is chapo ndondo kwa kibanda.
Residence: Githurai 45, Eastleigh, Kawangare, Kibera, Mathare North, Ruaraka
Verdict: Ten years from the rejection date, the guy lives large and is wealthy by all standards because he understands the basic rule of life- eat from thy sweat! This guy can make a very good husband.
2. The Deal guy: This guy is always making deals you will never understand. He owns two or three phones just in case one goes off and deal ichomeke. He is never available and can cancel your date anytime because deals can come anytime- even at midnight. Most of them are high skilled brokers who can sell anything under the planet. They brag to be in touch with who is who in Nairobi and sometimes have photographic evidence as their whatsapp profile picture. If you fancy having some quiet time off with this man, forget it. He is never available and is as mean as a miser- MPESA ni wewe!
Disclaimer: Ten years down the line, the guy still sits at the Hilton Hotel benches waiting for a kadeal to come through.
Residence: Highrise, Embakasi, Pangani, Kasarani
Verdict: Run as hell away from this guy unless you are in the same industry as him!
3. The Suit guy: Dude is always suited up with a baggy suit (Kenyan men do not value fitting suits) and a striped tie that costs him a 100 bob from Njugush the hawker. He is probably a lawyer hired in a firm- though he can’t confess this to you for ego maintenance reasons. He could be an insurance guy in the CBD who believes he will be earning a 500k commission soon with his aggressive sales skills. He could also be working in the Ngo world and has just bagged a loan to buy a white Toyota Premio .
Disclaimer: He is boring to the bone and his ideal conversation is sportpesa and mcheza, his boss and the company he works in. His ideal date is any Java in the CBD so at least he can prove that he has finally joined the middle class. Musings!
Residence: South B, South C, Waiyaki Way, Gumba, Roysambu
Verdict: Girl, you decide for yourself…sisemi kitu!
4. The social media guy: I can write a whole thesis on this! He is a loaded mummy’s boy who brags and trolls Nairobi with his mummy’s ride. The word ‘work’ does not exist in his dictionary! This guy can take ten selfies a day and share in all social media platforms: Twitter, facebook and instagram. Me thinks he is the one who created hashtags since all his pics have crazy hashtags like #flyguy don’tcare# or #chillingwithchurchillatcarninasiringi#
The picture locations could range from Serena hotel to Intercontinental hotel even though the Java logo is firmly rooted on the background. Kubafu! Goodness Gracious! And he dares seat at the table of men! How now! Babylonians from the Biblical times should just resurface and throw this guy in a den of lions!
Discaimer: The word ‘work’ does not exist in his dictionary!
Residence: Westlands, South B, South C, Nairobi West, Langata, Runda
Verdict: If you enjoy sleek rides and selfies, welcome to his den!
5. The ambitious Kikuyu guy: Kikuyu men’s ambitions know no boundaries, just cross over and ask Magufuli guys and you will be surprised by their response
Journalist: Ndugu,ebu niereze uhusiano wenu na ware wakikuyu wa Kenya?
Tanzanian: aai I say ware si watu! Wananyakua kira kitu mpaka mashamba zetu,jamani Magufuri asiwaruhusu waharibu ujamaa wetu!
I respect the hustling and Biashara spirit of the Kikuyu man. Dude can hawk fried eggs and wouldn’t care less how you view him! He can’t sleep hungry and rarely complains about how hard life is. He gives life no excuse to put him down, whether educated or not!
Disclaimer: He rarely sees the importance of spending quality time with his woman. He will not accept ‘losses’ just so you can cuddle with him! Forget it. Do not expect a wedding from him, a come- we -stay is affordable and ideal for him. He will pay your dowry when you turn 50!
Residence: anywhere in Nairobi as long as the rent is affordable because he has to save up cash for the piece of land read kafroti in Kahawa West
Verdict: You can never sleep hungry in his house. He will provide by all means possible- dubious and legal.
6. The Married guy: This guy no longer hides the fact that there is a missus in the house with his two lovely kids and pregnant with the third born. He does not remove his ring anymore in his attempt to get your number. Why? The ring is the magnet to Nairobi girls.
He provides cash and cash in plenty and takes you to secluded restaurants aka lodgings outside Nairobi so as he is not spotted by his wifes’ friends who will report him to the Nairobian as fast as a wink.
He does not use protection, why should he? It’s your responsibility to buy a P2 pack after he has feasted on you..haiya… Woe unto you if you get pregnant and refuse to yield to his demands of aborting the child on a backstreet clinic somewhere in River road, he will gomteja on you and my friend you will join the single mothers club as you formulate a good alibi regarding the whereabouts of your married absentee baby daddy (since the kid will ask you one day anyway)
Jane: Mum but where is daddy? How come Alice and John have a daddy and I do not.
Mum: (Angry at why that P2 did not work) Your father died in Somalia fighting the Alshabab. He is a hero and is smiling at you right now from heaven)
Residence: All over Nairobi
Disclaimer: Date him at your own risk!
Verdict: This relationship is not for happiness and yes he will not leave his wife since that divorce lawyer is always out of town.…
7. Sponsor: previously known as sugar daddy and mostly prefers young ladies between the ages of 20 and 30. He rains cash but is never available emotionally. He can go out of the way and even get you a sleek car(he keeps the log book though) but his main agenda is to release his testosterone tension on you or to be seen as a ‘man’ by the society. You are just a toy like any of his cars and he can replace you as fast as you can finish a 50mb data on You tube.
Residence: Hata mimi sijui!
Disclaimer: Aids is real!
Verdict: You have a national ID and a brain- use them wisely!
Chill out for part two of this post!
Have you met any other man who is not in the above category? Share in the comments below.
Be a wise woman! I love you…